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Treyjikistan
Treyjikistan (\ˈtrāˈgik ɪʃ stæn\ is an indirect democracy driven mostly by polls, surrounded on all sides by water (thus making it an island, or a waterpark or something) off the coast of India. It is ruled by a confusing and tyrannical leader named Treygreen13. Treyjikistan, at least to outsiders, appears to be an indirect democracy founded on the principals of opinion polling to make policy. It is a member of the Farkistan Alliance. Treyjikistan has a constantly embattled lead industry, and a very popular gem industry. Other exports of Treyjikistan are bees, kittens, salad, and wire hangers. The History of Treyjikistan Treyjikistan was formed in November of 2007 when Treygreen13 wandered into a spontaneous land auction and inadvertently purchased 100 miles of sub-premium ocean space. Initially, Treyjikistan was populated mostly by kelp and fish, however the actual land area was increased 100% when an underwater volcano erupted, conveniently creating an island with 100 square miles of land. Students of tectonics and doctors of Robertography are baffled by this sudden eruption, claiming that they had no idea there was an underwater volcano there, let alone one capable of generating a land mass that was pre-zoned for industrial production. The Early Days Initially, Treyjikistan was discouraged from exporting lead due to it's low market value by Tau ri, however the citizens of the fledgling nation voted in favor of Initiative 82207.2, effectively preventing the lead industry from being dismantled in favor of more popular materials. To subsidize the lost income of producing an unpopular resource, the tiny nation developed an image-editing cottage industry. Not surprisingly, the citizens of Treyjikistan never debated the practice of mining for their native gems, because the "blingity-bling-bling" was popular with the female population. The decision to go ahead with Initiative 82207.2 would turn out to be a critical moment in national growth. Treyjikistan was quickly invited to join the alliance of Farkistan after the sudden eruption and creation of the island interrupted an alliance-wide deep sea fishing trip. The alliance leaders were initially upset about the sudden lack of ocean, but found that it was easier to scoop up fish on the ground, and happily extended an invitation to join in on a killer fish fry. Treyjikistan was only involved in one small war in its infancy... a battle with the now defunct Kriegland. The conflict ended in the destruction of Kriegland, which was sold off to the highest bidder, who kept the name and reformed the nation. The Illuminati War Treyjikistan's first named alliance conflict was the Illuminati War, in which the military of Treyjikistan was assigned to the FSS Vigoda, and then fought and collected its first combat medals while reducing the targeted nation to rubble, and then the rubble was reduced to slightly smaller rubble, and then reduced to a light powder. Then, Treyjikistani scientists split the atoms of the dust of part of the powder, and then used the energy produced to rocket the remaining powder into space, where it was was promptly exploded, and everyone involved was shot. The critics who originally opposed the production of lead were briefly quieted during this war, due to the convenience of producing lead to be shot at Illuminati targets, rather than shipping it in from an outside source. These critics quickly switched to complaining about the whole "space dust/rubble" situation, which they said was "An unnecessarily hilarious waste of taxpayer money". Treygreen13 capitulated to public opinion and attempted to build a spaceship to go collect the now infinitesimally small space-dust-rubble to give it a proper something or other, but the project was canceled when public opinion swayed towards a transition from black and white to color television and funding was cut. In a brief ceremony, a priest gave the moving "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, dust to atoms, atoms to energy, energy to dust, dust to space," speech. The War of the Coalition and The Great Destroyer of Treyjikistan Peace and prosperity would not last long for Treyjikistan, however. When the War of the Coalition came to Planet Bob, the military of Treyjikistan once again answered the call to war, and engaged multiple New Polar Order targets in the first round, sending them into anarchy with its partners in the FSS Vigoda Fireteam Redundancy Team. Treygreen13 named the team after something really funny he read one time, or at least that was how he remembered it went, he wasn't very good at remembering jokes. When the second round of wars came around, Treyjikistan was assigned to the (now defunct)nation of Necrosis, which was unfortunately still very nuclear and very capable of putting those weapons to good use against Treyjikistan's not-yet nuclear equipped military. Treyjikistan suffered 2 nuclear strikes on its soil with no chance to retaliate. After taunting Necrosis to attack it (by sending its ruler, Kalus Soljer, a poorly photoshopped image of a preposterous nuclear weapons site) instead of its battle buddy WickedJ, Treyjikistan received 3 more consecutive nuclear strikes. This allowed WickedJ to focus his forces on a new NpO target, which was, like, totally awesome for everyone except the citizens of Treyjikistan, who will be forced to till the barren land for hundreds of years. While the damage was severe (over 400 million dollars worth of infrastructure and technology) Necrosis received much more damage. It's capitol (and capital) was reduced to a smoldering ruin by a constant barrage of cruise missiles. This was made possible by a new production method engineered in Treyjikistan that placed a launcher at the end of the cruise missile assembly line, creating a frighteningly efficient and inaccurate stream of fiery death. In addition, Treygreen13 cleverly ordered the radioactive rubble of Treyjikistan to be shipped by freight to Kalus Soljer's palace, (disguised as a shipment of "Critical Nougat") where it took up several parking spaces and inconvenienced them significantly. Necrosis eventually declared that they were no longer willing to fight, and dissolved shortly thereafter. The Aftermath Due to the severe damage sustained by nuclear attacks, Treyjikistan was one of the nations given reparations of technology from NpO, but the infrastructure damage remained. Briefly, the motto of Treyjikistan was changed to "Now with 9% less Jikistan" to account for the damage. When the NpO trucks backed up and dropped off tens of thousands of Commodore 64 units and a smattering of Game Boys, the citizens of Treyjikistan cheered and piled them up in a giant pyramid in the middle of the nation. For valor on the field of combat, Farkistan bestowed the Ackbar Cross ribbon on the war-torn nation. It remains the only nation in Farkistan to have ever received that ribbon, and is currently being used as a flag that flies on the top of the pile of donated obsolete technology. Whether or not placing a large amount of technology in one location is a good idea is yet to be seen. The FSS Vigoda sustained a great number of nuclear strikes from various NpO targets, but kept on fighting and thus earned the nickname "The Vigloda". The team is still called Fireteam Redundancy Team, because I mean, why rename it, right? It's not like there was anything wrong with that name, right? I mean, come on. Seriously. The Karma War, Like A Boss The popular short Cybernations film "Like A Boss" was created in Treyjikistan. It was critically acclaimed as one of the best pieces of propaganda in the Karma War, predicting the downfall of the New Pacific Order thousands of seconds before wars were declared. Initially, Treyjikistan's identity was withheld from the public in fear of retaliation, however it was leaked via an announcement by Trashcat here as a part of the publication Trashcat's Corner. Treyjikistan is currently fighting on the side of Karma in the Karma War, and is engaged with 3 Independent Republic of Orange Nations targets in combat. Hostilities commenced with these IRON nations during the Great Farkistani Counter-Offensive in which Farkistan attacked IRON in defense of Ragnarok while they were giving a moving speech about the coming battle. Treyjikistan's first offensive nuclear strikes were launched on April 25th against two of these targets. When asked about the moral repercussions of using nuclear weapons to end human life, Treygreen13 said, "I know, it's pretty awesome." Military Treyjikistan continues to grow, maintaining a full nuclear arsenal and a large standing navy, at least compared to some of the smaller nations and a smattering of daycare facilities. Nuclear Arsenal Each nuclear missile in the Treyjikistan arsenal has been given a name, decided by a poll of 49-52 year old retired soldiers with at least one vowel in their last name. Sierra Hotel Exploded successfully into the nation of Barrin2. Alpha Mike Foxtrot Exploded successfully into the nation of Islandiae. Bravo Zulu Exploded successfully into the nation of Barrin2. Lima Oscar Exploded successfully into the nation of Barrin2. Echo Echo Echo Shot down prematurely by the kingdom of bob. Alpha Velveeta Knuckle Underwear Exploded successfully into the nation of the kingdom of bob. 1. Sphincter Mucus Layer Ringworm 2. X-ray X-ray X-ray 3. Foxtrot Zulu Milkshake 4. Whiskey Charlie 5. Whiskey Delta 6. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot 7. Beta Lima 8. Juliet Beta Charlie 9. Tango Uniform 10. Yankee Doodle Floppydisk 11. Delta Sierra 12. Milli Vanilli Chilly Willy 13. Charlie Foxtrot 14. Foxtrot Alpha Romeo Kilo 15. Charlie Charlie Everywhere 16. Sexual Chocolate 17. Nukes of Hazzard * Note, there is a 21st nuclear weapon that may be used in times of desperation. For more information about nuke #21, read on to the "Leadership" section. Navy When the issue of a navy was brought up, money was immediately allocated to the development of a fleet of warships in order to defend merchants, fishermen, white-water ocean rafters, tubers, and eventually the moon from attack. Construction began right away with the most abundant resource available... lead. This turned out to be a poor decision, as lead was much too heavy and all the boats sank as soon as they were placed in dock. Several docks were also lost. The citizens of Treyjikistan did not respond favorably to seeing the navy sink, and encouraged Treygreen13 to reconsider using one of the heaviest known materials to produce seaworthy boats. After some debate, production of naval vessels was switched to the only other abundant resource, gems. This proved to be much more successful, and a fleet of 32 gem-studded ships was assembled with the help of a giant super-industrial strength Bedazzler. The navy is listed among the top 10 most shiny navies in all of Planet Bob, in the top 5 most expensive navies, and the top 3 in least durable navies. The navy of Treyjikistan is usually engaged in combating pirates. These pirates are attempting to capture, of all things, the navy. However, during the current conflict it is involved in traditional naval attacks on enemy nations. Air Force The Treyjikistan Air Force was the first element of the Treyjikistan Military to be formally commissioned. Initially, it consisted of a small fleet of kites wired with plastic explosives and a zeppelin. Today, it consists of 80 F-22 Raptors Fighter Jets and 5 Tupolev Tu-160 Bombers. Flying the F-22 Raptor is a terrific thrill for many of the citizens of Treyjikistan, so in keeping with the "government by poll" mantra every time a sortie is necessary, a random poll is taken and whoever is voted to fly is given the keys. Fortunately, the citizens of Treyjikistan vote fairly intelligently when it comes to who should operate a vehicle at Mach 2.42 in the skies over the country, and the most qualified pilots are usually behind the stick. However, there have been a few occasions where a minor celebrity drums up enough votes to sneak into the fighting, or becomes so wildly unpopular that they are forced to operate aircraft in the hopes that they crash into a mountain. One such case was a cartoonist named Robert Sandifer who proposed that the national symbol of Treyjikistan be "Chemo Sabe: The Indian That Has Cancer". This was voted almost unanimously among the population as "the worst idea of all time", and the cartoonist was placed in the cockpit of a fighter jet that was eventually shot down in the War of the Coalition. Mr. Sandifer did, however, record 5 kills by steering the burning wreckage of his jet into advancing enemy troops. The dramatic moment of Robert Sandifer's death was later immortalized in the 2009 Treyjikistan War Film, That Cartoonist We All Hated. The TAF has reported mostly positive results. The Battle of Ibankist over the skies of Treyjikistan holds the distinction of being the TAF's greatest victory so far. In a daring twilight raid, 70 aircraft sent by the nation of the kingdom of bob launched with the intent to bomb Treygreen13's palace, but were soundly thrashed before the bombers were able to get into position. TAF forces collected 56 confirmed kills: 2 bombers and 54 fighters, which were scrapped and turned into a carousel. Government As mentioned earlier, Treyjikistan is a poll-driven indirect democracy. When a political issue arises, Treygreen13 sends out a series of polls through the national media, which he controls entirely. This ensures that the will of the people is done by gauging their interest in real time. However, this has lead to some controversy. Moral Ambiguity in Polling Critics of Treyjikistan's government claim that government by poll, while successful so far, has been tainted by government meddling. For example, the poll to the left was recently sent out across Treyjikistan for voting. Some think that these questions are too ambiguous to represent the will of the people, but a poll coming soon should put that issue to rest. Leadership As it pertains to Treygreen13, very few people have actually seen him. His aides say that he is very private, and crafted a desk out of the shell of a deactivated nuclear weapon he calls Delta Alpha Silo Kilo, or D.A.S.K. Journalists assume that Treygreen13 is unaware that DASK does not spell "desk", however sources close to the leader claim that he simply does not know what "E" is in the military phonetic alphabet. His picture hangs in every post office in Treyjikistan, however the artist he hired to do the portrait used a kaleidoscope. When asked about the choice of a kaleidoscope artist for his portrait, Treygreen13 responded, "I really enjoy her work. It was liberating to pose nude." Other than running the government of Treyjikistan, Treygreen13 was briefly the coach of the Farkistan Squirrels. More information about the Squirrels is available in the "Present Day" section below. Present Day As of the most recent update, Treyjikistan is the 62nd largest nation in Farkistan, and 1,576th in all of Cybernations. Breaking the top 100 nations in Farkistan qualified Treyjikistan for a small trophy that was misplaced soon after it was awarded. If you have any information on the whereabouts of the trophy, please contact Treygreen13. It was last seen in his office, but it might have fallen under some papers or something... and he hates it when Farkistan calls and they're all like, "Do you like your trophy?!" and he's like "Yeah, I love it" and they're all like "Are you looking at it right now?" and he's all like "Umm, yeah, totally..." and then he pretends he has another call to take... but he knows one day they're just going to DROP IN and be like "Where's that trophy man?!" and he'll be totally screwed, because it's like a big symbol of pride for the alliance, and he really likes the alliance, but not as much as he hates cleaning his office just to find trophies. The National Anthem The national anthem of Treyjikistan is "Anthem for the gods, parts 1-19", a 3,789 verse monstrosity that Treygreen13 wrote on the back of 3 million cocktail napkins when on a cocaine binge. Nobody in Treyjikistan can recite the anthem from memory. Some argue that an anthem with 5,645,834,761 words is much too long. Others argue that the 17 minute, Galaga-themed guitar solo simply adds too many levels of complexity to a song that already takes several days to sing. One particularly moving section of the anthem goes as following: "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH MMMMMMM WACKA WACKA SPLENDIFEROUS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOUGAT OH GOD I'M OUT OF COCAINE (ladies echo OUT OF COCAINE) Bawitdaba" This is followed by 1 measure of rest, and then enters into the aforementioned guitar solo. *Note: On Sundays in Treyjikistan, it is illegal to utter words that sound like letters. This law is called "Luke's Law" after someone declared it in a drinking game and forgot to cancel it when the game ended. This makes the anthem impossible to sing, so the anthem is not sung on Sundays. On the occasion the singing of the anthem rolls over into Sunday, singers are encouraged to replace all outlawed words with the phrase "moist". *Subnote: Treyjikistan is currently fighting a lawsuit from several authors, claiming that large portions of the anthem are songs or simply paragraphs that were apparently playing or were spoken at the same time Treygreen13 was writing the anthem. He may have trouble proving that the anthem is original, and that the 72 consecutive non-melodic paragraphs that appear to be text directly from the game Zork are, in fact, relevant to Treyjikistan in some way. If he is unable to prove ownership of those elements of the song, parts 4 (called "EATEN BY A GRUE") and 11 (called "Dude Looks Like A Lady") may have to be removed from the anthem. Imaginary Animal Zoo Treyjikistan lays claim to the only imaginary animal zoo in Cybernations. New exhibits are added bi-monthly. The most famous animal in the zoo is the Paradoxasaur, the dinosaur that only exists if you don't believe in it. The least famous animal in the zoo is the DogCatRat, which critics claim is simply a dog with a cat riding it, who is in turn being ridden by a rat. When asked about the criticism, Treygreen13 said "Philistines". Then he said, "Wait, I used that right, didn't I?" The zoo isn't very popular due to the fact that nobody can ever see the most loved exhibit. Anyone who believes that the Paradoxasaur exists is unable to see it, and anyone who doesn't believe in the Paradoxasaur refuses to believe that they saw it. Most of the visitors end up watching the Mershaq (half mermaid, half Shaquille O'Neal) play with a basketball. The zoo is currently closed for thermonuclear war. It is slated to open in 3 weeks with an all new lineup due to mutation. When asked about the closing, a Zoo Official stated, "Ooh, maybe we can get DogCatRat to fuse together or something." Sister Nation Treyjikistan doesn't have a sister nation, because it was an orphan, so don't bring it up ok? It is very sensitive about that sort of thing, and didn't even find out about it until the whole "Sister Nation" thing came up, so it is pretty fresh on its mind. Farkistan Squirrels Treyjikstan is home to the Farkistan Squirrels, the professional football team of Farkistan. The Stadium, Abe Vigoda Memorial Stadium is pictured here in the middle of downtown Hoang Kong. Treygreen13 was the original founder of the team and head coach for 3 seasons before resigning in shame due to criticism for his inappropriate and financially unsustainable promotions. Some examples: "Chris Hansen Bobble-Head Night" - While creative, citizens felt it was inappropriate to profit off the notoriety of child molesters, and refused to "Have a seat over here, in the Squirrels Stadium". "Half Penny Beer Season" - While popular, this promotion was simply impossible to continue for the intended duration. Accountants for the Squirrels, when asked about the promotion, said, "Look, we couldn't make this work financially even if we brought the entire population of Planet Bob in to watch the game. There just isn't enough beer on the planet, and there is no such thing as a "half-penny". In spite of mismanagement on the financial and marketing sides, the Farkistan Squirrels have experienced success over their 7 seasons as a team. Their record is as follows: Season 1: 19-1 Season 2: 13-7 Season 3: 12-10 Season 4: 14-9 Season 5: 15-9 Season 6: 17-8 Season 7: 18-7 Wonders Treyjikistan has developed the following wonders: Central Intelligence Agency An orphanage *Note to self, change this to something more believable later so nobody figures out about the CIA, because it is a secret! Disaster Relief Agency - Built immediately after a difficult summer when Treyjikistan suffered 2 droughts and a flood at the same time. Meteorologists were baffled at the possibility of suffering two droughts at the same time, let alone two droughts at the same time a flood was occuring. Great Monument - The Great Monument to Treygreen13 is actually a large statue of a blender, which is always filled with frozen margaritas. It is very popular in the summer. Great Temple - Treyjikistan's official religion is mixed, so the Great Temple is an understandably large building to keep worshipers from killing each other. Internet - Apparently, The Internet is a large building, rather than a series of tubes. Citizens love to go to the Internet, log on, and take care of whatever Serious Business comes up. Manhattan Project - This is where nuclear bombs come from. So far, 22 nuclear weapons have been created in this building. It is not a popular tourist destination because anyone who visits unannounced is shot on site, which can be a real downer for a picnic. National Research Lab - Still no cure for cancer. We'll need more time. Pentagon - Treyjikistan's least popular wonder, because nobody can remember which side the door is on. Social Security System - Once popular, this wonder has recently come under scrutiny for being almost exactly the opposite of what the citizens intended. They were told that it would allow the citizenry to retire at some point, but instead it has only been used to raise taxes by 2%. Unsurprisingly, some people have a problem with this. Stock Market - The Stock Market of Treyjikistan is unique because traders deal exclusively with Index Index Index Funds, which are a collection of stocks that represent another collections of stocks in stock markets across Planet Bob. Since they are essentially investing in everything simultaneously, volatility is low. Strategic Defense Initiative - So far, this has only been used for two purposes; awesome firework shows and launching rubble-dust into space.